You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize