I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
