I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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