last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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