I must be too annoying 4 u.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
