I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
