whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
