Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
