Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
