just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
