Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
