id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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