Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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