Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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