he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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