Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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