The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I accidentally had phone sex last night
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
