dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
