I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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