worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
