bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
