ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
honey bunches of taint.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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