you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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