i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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