so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
