I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
