Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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