so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
