i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize