dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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