And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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