i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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