Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
