I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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