seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
