I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
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