rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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