My Higher Power is John Stamos
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
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