What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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