You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
This toilet bowl is my home.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
