You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
