I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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