Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
