sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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