tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
