I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
