um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
