I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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