i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
