alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
