I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
