If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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