I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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