working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
