His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize