She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
honey bunches of taint.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
FUCK WHALES
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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