I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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