Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
