Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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