i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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