Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
