If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
