Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
